torontomami:

I don’t get mad I just disappear from ur life

(via amourstatique)

It was 3 am and the world was so black only the rain told me I was still awake. I was running circles barefoot in my front yard trying to escape the panic that had been barricading me from sleep since I climbed into my bed. I didn’t know how to escape my racing thoughts, the sick knot in the pit of my stomach that I couldn’t provide a reason for, the panic that I was losing my mind. Finally, I decided to wake my poor mother at 4 am. The noise in my head grew a little quieter and my heartbeat slowed to an almost average pace as I talked to my mother about how the only way I would never feel that way again was if I made some decisions and stuck to them. I needed to start taking care of myself.

I am posting this because I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life, and I am finally at a point where I can say that I have gained a substantial amount of control over it. I post a lot about eliminating the stigma surrounding mental illness, and I think it’s time I share a part of my story and live up to that value.

After that sleepless night and the conversation with my mother, I went to the doctor and asked to try a different medication. I quit smoking. I started exercising every day and eating healthier. I cut out coffee and soda. I bought a pet rat, a creature to care for and share my space. I feel better than I have in a very long time. I feel that I can love more deeply and stay in the moment more often than I ever did. My boyfriend and I are the happiest we’ve ever been because my anxiety isn’t thrusting itself between us anymore. I am more outgoing and I don’t spend my nights rethinking every single thing that happened that day and hating myself for it. I no longer wake up wishing that I hadn’t. I know that I will still have my bad days, but I feel that I now have the strength to see beyond my anxiety and pain to a place where I deserve to be happy.

The point of my post is that when you’re deep in the darkness of mental illness, it can be extremely difficult to see any way out besides self-medication and just trying to get through every day. It took me a while to fully believe that there is more to life than just existing. So much more. People talk to you about the light waiting just behind your bedroom curtains, but you won’t believe it until you see it yourself. I want people to know that it only takes the smallest sliver of light to give you the strength to widen that fissure with your hands.

The importance of taking care of yourself is immeasurable. Know that you are not alone, even when you’re in your room crying until 4 am. Mental illness is a long and difficult struggle, but I hope this post can be a sliver of light to someone out there having similar experiences.

I am always here to talk for anyone who needs it. <3